7 replies to this topic

[VickiW]

Please excuse this if not appropriate here but I just needed to be able to share with those whom I knew would understand.  (for those who don't already know me from this board I am a 3 yr+ CML survivor currently on Sprycel)  We got the call early this morning that my husband's younger brother lost his battle with stomach cancer.  This is not only hard on him because of my situation getting a bit worse lately (must now use a cane most of the time because of the worsening of  sensory/motor neuropathy caused originally by the Leukemia, then the Gleevec and now the Sprycel) but because this past summer we had another scare when his other brother had emergency surgery for a brain tumor (he is now doing well thank God).  I am so thankful that my hubby himself is still very healthy but my heart is breaking for him.  He has been working hard all day building a new roof over our front door (his way of dealing) but the sadness in his eyes is hard to see.  What's hardest is the way his brother chose to go.  Originally things looked good. Chemo seemed to be working, etc. then things went south quickly.  When that happened he stopped allowing anyone to visit, talk to him on the phone, no contact at all, even from his children.  He passed at home with only his wife.  His brothers were planning to go together to visit as soon the one that had the brain surgery could travel, but before they could things went bad and he wouldn't allow them to come.  We live many hours away so now we must take the long drive so my precious husband can say good-bye to a box.  So far we have heard no reason why he would not give his loved ones the chance to say good-bye and I am trying very hard not to judge.  However, after being on this side, and knowing how much it can hurt, I now have a clear vision of how, if God gives the opportunity, I will handle my final choices.  Please pray for my husband.  He's a good, honest, caring man and has taken such wonderful care of me and all he loves.

[CallMeLucky]

I'm very sorry to hear of this loss, and I feel very sad for your husband.  I've seen some similar things in my family with the older generation and I did not understand it.  In my case when my father was dying his last living brother would not make the trip to see him and say goodbye, it was very sad.

Your husband sounds like he has had a lot to deal with.  I often worry about my wife more than I worry about myself, life is hard for caregivers.  They are given such a difficult thing to deal with.  Add to that the loss of a sibling and your husband is certainly going through a hard time.

I will be hoping for the best for you and your husband and I truly wish his pain passes soon.

[jill]

I am so sorry for your husband & you. Grieving takes so much time. Hopefully in time he will remember those good memories he had with his brother. I was talking to my 21 yr. son about this just last night. He is away at college and his girlfriend who lives in our town likes to call him late when he is asleep. I told him to shut off his phone that if his dad or I was sick or dying, things were not going to be any different in the morning. We laughed, and he said he would run everyone over on the highway to get here in time. I guess that told me that for those left behind they need to say good-bye. I never really wanted anyone watch me suffer, but I guess if it makes those that are going to be left behind somehow feel better than I would let them be there. But that is me. We are not all alike. Maybe his brother was in alot of pain. I know the times I have been in terrible pain, surgeries ect. I wanted to be alone. Maybe after talking to his wife she can let you in on what was going on. Good-Luck.

[nadee546]

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother-in-law. Death is always so sad isn't it - especially if it's someone young. And for your husband being unable to see his brother before his death must be so difficult to deal with. But your husband is very fortunate to have you because you sound so devoted to him. Just hold him in your arms and let him talk about his brother--the good times they had and the bad-whatever he chooses to talk about. I worry about my husband too- his mom died in December and his dad just died in July. Even though they were elderly it was still his mom and dad and it is always a loss. Then he has me and all the problems that go along with having CML-especially in the beginning. He gives me strength and is always there for me but it has to be draining for him. He doesn't understand much medically and I know he is afraid of loosing me even though I reassure him that I will be around for many years to drive him nuts--lol. I get the attention and he is just in the background smiling. I tell him everyday how much I value and love him and how much I appreciate how devoted he is to me. I am so blessed and I thank God for him. So often caregivers get lost in the shuffle and I try very hard for that not to happen in  our lives. Our family and friends know that he gives me my strength because I say it all the time. I am speaking for myself but I don't think your post was in any way inappropriate. We all have sad days-we all have had losses-and I know I have had many hopeless days since I was diagnosed 6 months ago. All of your feelings are normal and perfectly understandable. Your brother in law made the decision to die alone and for me at least that is sad but it was his choice-which your husband respected. I will pray for your husband and for you--bless you both in the difficult days ahead.             Nadee

[VickiW]

thank you all.  Your kind words and wishes are really appreciated.

[barlee1]

((((((hugs))))))  I am so very sorry that you and your husband are having to deal with so much sadness right now.  It does seem to pour when it rains.  Please take care of yourself through all of this.  We care about  you.

[hannibellemo]

Vicki,

My thoughts are with you and your family during this sad, sad, time.

Pat

[Tedsey]

Well, being a slug with this disease, I have been seriously thinking about planning (don't want to upset anyone here by using exact words).  I did not come into the world with fanfare.  So, I wish to leave the world the same.  No wake.  No shiva.  Just a graveside.  Sorry if this makes anyone anxious.  Even if this does not happen for decades, it gives me a little solace.  But mostly, I just want my family to be comfortable.  They can take over from there.  Ultimately, I want whoever loved me to feel comforted.

I think I may be able to understand your brother-in-law's wishes.  Although I did not go through cancer with my adoptive mother, she had a in-curable chronic disease.  She suffered greatly.  Since I was a little girl, she would not go out, did not want any visitors at the house, and turned away all friends.  My father was her main caretaker, (she was too heavy for us kids to lift).  He ended up losing all his jobs (not really due to her illness, but it didn't help any---so he stayed home because we just could not care for her alone).  Our relavtives lived thousands of miles away, so it was just us and doctors, nurses, and the paramedics (and sometimes the police to calm things down).  They couldn't get visiting nurses until I went to college.   When I got older, I realized there was a bigger world out there.  As an adult, I can now see how depressed she was.  She and my father shut the rest of the world out.  Looking back, it was very unfortunate for us as children.  I am getting beyond the anger.  But it was their wishes.  When illness strikes, there are no rules.  We do what we do.  And in the end, we go alone.  I guess sometimes some people just shut off early.

I understand what you say about not judging.  You are right.  But you can have an opinon though.  I believe there is a difference (between judging and an opinion).  It appears you or I would not choose as your brother in law did.  I could only imagine how hard it is to leave the world relatively young and suffereing.  I can only imagine the emotional trauma, anger, and depression some people experieince.  Hopefully, we will be able to deal differently if we are ever in that situation.  My beautiful aunt, who was in her late 80s and had CML, during her last days, she did not want anyone to come and visit her at the hospital.  I felt sad because I really wanted to see her.  But I also wanted to honor her wishes.  I loved her.  My cousin has this way of sneaking in when asked not to.  She got to be with her.  Sometimes I wish I were so bold.  But I guess there is no logic to this.  It is all emotion.  And emotion is rarely logical.  It just is what it is.

I am so sorry that your husband is feeling so sad.  What a hard time you guys are going through.  As in Dee's last thread, sometimes things just don't quit.  Wish we had a little shelter from it all because we and those we love have to deal with CML.  I hope your story will turn out to be a happy one.  Wishing you and your family peace.