I guess I love to torture myself. But I have been carrying this around for a few days. Here it goes:
My husband read my just 3yr old the story of Cinderella for the first time 2 days ago. She found the story very sad. The part she honed in on, of course, was the fact that Cinderella had no mother. I heard her stopping and asking my husband about that as he read. OK, here it comes: A bit after the story, she comes to the kitchen where I am preparing dinner. She tells me boldly with a giggle, "Mama, mommies never leave their little girls, do they? That only happens in stories and fairytales." Being blindsided, I kind of sidestepped the issue and told her that I never want to leave her. That was OK for then. But the next day, I hear her as she is playing with her dollies and talking to herself, "Mommies never leave their babies...".
Well, I just needed to vent. Even if I didn't have CML and believed that I would live "forever", it would have made me sad. But it is especially unsettling knowing that things could go wrong and I could leave her early, (kicking and screaming, mind you, for the grim reaper will have a monster fight on his hands). Nevertheless, I get superstitious and feel that what she had said is some kind of omen. I had to miss my last 3 month appt. because the kids were sick. Since my onc is so busy, I will have my PCR a month late. That is a good sign in itself that the doc doesn't feel the need to get me in ASAP. But I cannot help but let the possiblity impending doom hover around me. Don't most of us live PCR to PCR? After a period of feeling used to having CML, I am scared again.
I think I gotta get less drama in my life. But how do you do that living with cancer? Guess I am a victim of growing up in the USA with Hollywood as a big influence in my culture. Or it comes from just having a lot of tragedy before CML in my life. Maybe I am just wired that way.
Thanks for giving me a space to let me get this off my chest.