Hi Dee,
Menopause should be a four letter word. I have never been prone to tears, but since beginning the peri-menopausal road I cry at commercials. Then I get angry at myself because I cry at commercials, this is worse than being pregnant, at least then others understood your mood swings. I was almost totally free of night sweats when I was permitted to take the Effexor, but since they pulled that from me, they are back with a vengeance, I wake feeling so incredibly hot you wake from a deep sleep, throw off the covers, only to be chilled several minutes later. Just when you go back to sleep, the entire crappy cycle begins again! Just plain sucks. Now I guess I am knee deep in menopause, oh I feel so lucky!
I wanted to talk to you about the Xanax, yes it has a bad reputation, and yes it is addictive, but it is also a very good drug if used in moderation. I have a prescription allowing me to take up to four, 1mg tablets a day, it is from February 2010. I think I still have about 17 so pills left, for me I see no reason to take that many everyday, and I don't but there are times when I use the four a day, it helps me get through without falling apart. Especially this past week, I think I almost ordered the oncologist to give them back to me, stating I have been on them for many years and have not abused them yet, right now ( especially) I am not interested in someone telling me I might abuse a drug, even if it is a doctor. As long as you are careful, please take the Xanax, once things calm down a bit, you might find you only take a half a pill, many days I do that, instead of the whole pill. They are only 1mg so half is a really low dose. I am glad your family dr has a good bed-side manner, that is important, and as to your oncologist saying his wife's menopause lasted forever, it probably seemed like that to him, but he has no idea, all he remembers is his wife was in tears one moment and the next she was trying to rip off the fridge door. He hasn't a clue how long it really was.
Last Sunday before the Xanax was reinstated, I thought my family would never speak to me again. I was either screaming at them for breathing, or crying because I didn't have the energy to make dinner and do laundry. This past week has been better, but I admit to continued serious case of nerves because I again go for bloodwork tomorrow morning, and if the platelets somehow went up (with all the foreign meds in me) I am off to hospital in Pittsburgh to filter the blood out of some over zealous platelets. I put my entire family on hold Friday, husband went into work three hours early and I kept my son home from school, thinking the trip was going to happen, it didn't, so tomorrow, I am going to send everyone where they need to be, and if I have to go, then I will make needed plans.
Just because I was curious, I also looked into SSI, and unless I divorce my husband, I am not eligible, same as you, he makes too much money. I lost my job in May to downsizing, and although I have had some interviews, only one call came through, believe it or not was at a flower shop, and I have to turn it down, is only a few days a week, but right now if I had to make baskets and arrangements for certain sad occasions, I don't think I would do much more than bawl the entire time. Oh, don't you just love the emotions running rampage! I am a bit of a control freak, (Ok Billie, I know you will have a comment about that) so not having control over my emotions drives me crazy, as if I needed any help.
I swear I am going to buy a grow light, I despise fall and winter. I am a green person, (besides the blood) and when the trees are green, my flowers are blooming, and can sit on the porch and enjoy a custom made margarita, I am in my glory. I hate winter clothes, I hate winter coats, I hate shoveling snow, and I hate winter boots. I am a flip flop person, a true parrothead, Jimmy Buffett is my hero, I try to wear them in the winter to go outside with the dogs, but then my toes turn blue and my husband says he will not visit me in the hospital if they have to cut them off from frostbite. I don't want to ride snowmobiles, I like my four wheelers and dirt bikes riding in the woods finding the biggest rain puddle I can and get soaked and muddy, it just isn't fun when you have to wear so many clothes you can't move your arms to hold the handlebars.
How wonderful you have the love for another child, especially one that would have been put through the system without your caring. My son is autistic, high functioning, and he plays in the high school band. This past Friday I missed his first performance since beginning, because my white count may bottom out on this high power cocktail (from Trey, just the high power cocktail comment) I am to stay away from crowds and try to keep as germ free as possible until I begin to regulate concerning bloodwork numbers. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can relate to your depression, and you are right, it sucks. I can tell you, even though you are not there, the young man knows you love him and would be if it were possible, there is something to be said for, 'Being there is spirit.'
As a fellow Pennsylvanian, I also believe this is going to be a crap of a winter, and although I am not sure where you are from, I had about two inches of slushy snow on my porch I had to wade through yesterday. Yeah, it all melted, but geez, is it depressing! (and still cold)
Hang in there and vent all you want, I know last week I just 'knew' my platelets were down, then I get a call saying they went up 300,000 although I am on Sprycel and Hydrea, I agree, CML, Meds, and menopause sucks, but to add to the list, so does bloodwork/waiting on results, and cold weather!
This morning my mother in law was excited because it was going to be 50 degrees this week, somehow I just could not share her enthusiasm, if I can't wear my flip flops without my toes turning blue, it is too darn cold!
Take care, I hope you find a few reasons to smile.
Pam
