26 replies to this topic

[cjones212]

I am very frustrated these days and find this discussion board to be a great resource.  I was diagnosed in November, and been on Gleevec since then.  My CBCs have been responding well, but of course I am still dealing with the side effects of the drug.  Nothing too major, but it is still a constant reminder in my life.

Last weekend at a 10K (I didn't run, just supporting friends) I was with one of my friends and someone passed by with a T-Shirt that said "I'm running for a cancer cure!".  A little tongue in cheek, I said for my friend's benefit... "Thanks!"  He was confused and when I pointed out the shirt he said that she wasn't running for me because I don't have "real cancer".  My jaw hit the floor.  I didn't even know what to say.  He tried to back track by saying that it wasn't serious because I am doing fine and there is no tumor to cut out.  I really just had to walk away, at which point he got mad and said I was overreacting and should educate him if he was wrong.  I just didn't feel like sitting there telling him about night sweats, constant bathroom issues, "hot flashes" for a 39yo man, and the daily chemotherapy pill.  When I relayed the story to my partner later, he even thought I was overreacting a little.

A few days later I brought it up again to my partner trying to explain how insensitive they both were, and he thought I should see a therapist or support group because i was having trouble dealing with this.  Then he went on to tell me how on one Sunday when I didn't feel good and spent the day sleeping and curled up in bed all day that he was so upset because he couldn't fix this.  I should remember that he's dealing with this too.  Again - my jaw hit the floor.

Anyway, sorry for rambling; I have seen similar posts on this site, so I know that well treated CML is a blessing/curse.  It just comes with a lack of understanding from friends/loved ones.  

Here's the really stupid part... I got blood work today, and while my RBC and WBC are below normal, everything else is on track.  I was briefly a little disappointed because at least if I had bad CBC levels then maybe it would prove that I am still dealing with this.  But I know that's insane thinking.

Thanks for listening, and always being here!

Xtopher

[lthouse612]

Hi Christopher... just read your post and all I can say is "wow".  It's going to be one of those things that you'll be dealing with from time to time and it doesn't easily go away because people quite simply don't "get it"!!..  Everyone on this board would agree as well.  They're not in our shoes and don't know from day to day what we have to deal with....live with... adapt to and on and on.....  I was dx in Dec. 06 and when I eventually couldn't work anymore and applied for SSD. (eventually got it after a couple tries) I would go back to my job from time to time just to say hi... surprisingly enough one person (a friend) made the comment... "I wish I could stay home and get paid for it.."  and I thought.. ok.. well take this illness right along with that and we'll see how that suits you...  I only wished I would have said it out loud.  At the time I was standing there in shock that she would even say such a thing.  People can be very ...insensitive, to say the very least and they don't "think" before they open their mouth or they just don't have the common sense to grasp what people are feeling.  I know, we don't look sick on days we are feeling good and I even run and weight train so that if something does go south I can at least know I did my part in trying to stay physically healthy to where it may help me later.  When it happens to come up that I have cancer they are in disbelief. 

Regardless, I feel my job now is to take care of myself and spend quality time with my family and take the time for myself and just enjoy life as much as possible.  Forget all those people and try not to let them get to you... They may eventually realize one day how cold and calus their comments were and who knows, maybe they'll even apologize for it.  Hang in there and definitely vent in here if you need to... it's helped me greatly and although I don't get in here very often its good to know that there are others like me that always have my back!  They "get it"!  Take it easy....

Mark

[CallMeLucky]

My brother always says what I have is "just like diabetes", I just take my pill and everything will be fine.  I say, "wow in one sentence you were able to minimize the pain and suffering of not just one, but two groups of people with a serious disease".

I recall when I first got sick how everyone called and wanted to know how I was doing, they all promised to do "whatever they could" to help.  After a month or two of blood tests coming back with good news, less and less people called and no one ever followed through on their promise to come "help".  My sister said the other day (now keep in mind, she really loves me and she meant this in a really good way, but it would be easy to misconstrue) "I don't get afraid anymore when you post updates on your Caring Bridge site.  You've become boring and predictable".

This all comes with mixed emotion.  I have to ask myself, would I rather be so sick that I have everyone's attention and sympothies, or would I rather get back to my life and let them go on with their's?  Would I really like to have people calling me all the time to ask how I feel and give me that pitty look whenever they see me?  The answer is obviously no.

With the exception of my wife who has a front row seat, they prefer to think everything is fine, they don't like the idea of thinking of me being sick.  When they see me I look fine, they don't see how tired I am except I might catch a nap on the couch at Sunday dinner when I never used to.  They don't see me pause half way up the stairs to take a deep breath so I can make it the rest of the way.  They don't see me wake up in the morning as tired as I was when I went to sleep and have to literally drag myself out of bed.  They don't see me wake up every morning with a bad stomach ache.  They don't see that I can't enjoy a meal anymore and I just eat basics to keep myself nourished.  They don't feel my heart take off in rapid beats for no reason and scare the crap out of me.  They don't think about mutations, loss of response, and log reductions.  They don't feel that I am dizzy most of the time, that I can't concentrate that well, and that my memory is often slipping.  They can't understand that I've lost something, that everyday it takes all of my energy and determination to just to maintain some semblance of normal.  That hopes and dreams for the future are tainted and questionable.  Most of them don't worry everyday about how they will pay for their medication that they need to live.  They don't understand that I am not me anymore, I'm a bit different now.

Like many things in life, we all have our burden to bare and for whatever reason this is the one we must go through.  Lately I have been trying to figure out if I am someone who has had a bad life with some good luck or a good life with a lot of bad luck.  I guess that will depend on what happens in the second act.  Fortunately I do get to have a second act and I realize how lucky I am everyday for the treatment that we do have and the fact that although life is going to be harder, I will be given the opportunity to keep living.

People will never understand completely because they cannot walk in your shoes.  It doesn't mean they don't love you or care, they just don't get it and for their sake, hopefully they never have to get it.  We on the other hand do get it, and that is why you are always welcome here to discuss these things and get understanding from others who know what it is like.

I hope you become boring and predictable.

[MJB]

well said Lucky!

[Missouri]

My husband has ALL, and we, too, have gotten this response. "He doesn't look sick!" I have had people tell me, it is "so wonderful what they can do these days, he will be cured." Unless something happened that I missed, there is still no cure for cancer. You can survive it, you can be a survivor. So when people are less than tactful, that is what I try to remind myself with, we have survived this devastating disease so far, the remarks of this uneducated person cannot compare.

[lehrerin]

Sorry your "friends" are so insensitive.....there is a great thread on the "my child has cancer" part of the board about stupid things people say to cancer patients and their families...

http://community.lls.org/thread/7301

It might make you laugh (or cry)....

I've  had people tell me that my daughter has leukemia because she ate too often at McDonalds.....and we've got the "your lucky to have this cancer" speech too.   What people, including other parents of kids with cancer, don't understand is that there is NO TIME my daughter will EVER be off treatment.   All the acute leukemias have an endpoint--yes--it is 2-5 years away from the start of treatment, but it IS an endpoint.

Here's to hoping that Dr. Druker et al will find a CURE for CML soon!   Unfortunately there is no cure for stupid.

And Christopher, I'll be adding your name to my Team in Training shirt as soon as I find my marker---it has Team Tedsey, Sonja, and even Trey and Phil on it, aas well as my dad and my daughter listed on it.  I hope they find a cure before my shirt fills up;)

[SFBill]

Christopher:

Though I don't have CML; I was diagnosed with SLL/CLL a bit over a year ago; I can still relate to your frustration with friends, co-workers and your partner.  I am as yet untreated; still in "watchful waiting" phase and look perfectly healthy to the world (with the exception of a walnut-sized lymph node at my left jawline - I refer to it as "Quasimodo").  Fortunately, I am not yet dealing with side effects from treatment (as you are), but people that do not have blood cancer do not seem to understand that even though treatments are pretty effective (as is your case), or you may be untreated at the moment with few, if any effects of the disease; we still have Cancer!  There is not a day that goes by that we can forget that fact; it will be with us for the rest of our days as your CML and my SLL/CLL are incurable.  Like your partner, my partner seems to put on blinders and pretty much doesn't even want to talk about my health and appears quite frustrated if I don't feel up to a night out, or other social occasion; I do currently have fatigue issues at times, but nothing too debilitating; I listen to what my body is telling me though and rest when needed.  In my case, I've chosen to get myself into the best physical condition possible, and at the age of 54 am in better shape than when I was in high-school (oh those many years ago!); this contributes to the perception that my Cancer is inconsequential and I should just get on with life (which I am doing, but as I said, Cancer is always in the background - I can't completely forget about it).  I've tried to explain to people in my life that living with SLL/CLL and being in the "watchful waiting" phase is akin to looking through a tunnel and seeing a light a the other end, then realizing that is only a train coming at you; I WILL require treatment at some point, it is only a matter of time; people just don't seem to get it!

You've found a great place to vent here; all of us, regardless of the form of blood cancer that we have are here to lend a sympathetic ear.  I recently posted an entry on my blog that expresses some of the frustration you've expressed; here's a link if you're interested:  http://lymphomaniac-...eing-there.html .

Bill

Message was edited by: SFBill

[Tom_md]

Hi Christopher,  Sorry you are having a tough time, Ifeel I have there too. Take some comfort that for most people side effects do get better.  I've been on Gleevec for about 2 1/2 years, recently had my dosage reduced from 400 to 300 mgs.  It seems to have helped.  I initially had a great response to Gleevec (Became PCR-U in less then a year.)  You are still adjusting.  My primary gripe is fatigue and muscle/bone pain.  I also have a lot of joint pain. Fortunately my digestive issues are much better now.   It comes and goes and most day it can be calmed down with a little Ibuprofren.  I get pretty tired of hearing how "we all are aging and that my aches/ pains and fatigue are all part of the aging process".  (I am only 47)  For some people it is hard for them to acknowledge this because it makes them uncomfortable.  I even had one relative that say they know what it was like because their spouse had IBS.....   I also want to share another perspective that I have had where I can relate to what your partner might feel.  Shortly after I was married ( 23 years ago), my wife was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  She went through some pretty grueling treatments 7 months chemo and radiation.  Back then it seemed they did not have a real good handle on managing the side effects so suffice it to say she suffered through some pretty tough times.  I felt like I was equally experiencing them as well and would have done anything to take it away.  It was truly a completely HELPLESS feeling.  In many ways our early married life was robbed from us.  This time is difficult for him as well. Now the roles are reversed.  The pain/suffering that I experience is very different then what she experienced but many of the emotion we have are similar.  I acknowledge that I probably not as violently ill as she was, but she could always see a "Cure" in sight.  She acknowledges the difficulty in that and lets me have my pity party.  I know I am dragging through this too and try to understand what she is facing. Sorry was so long winded, but I feel I have both perspectives and wanted to share them. Hang in there, it does get better,  Tom

[jrsboo]

OMG Lucky,

You said it!  That is exactly how I feel.  And I am sorry to say that a lot of other people just don't get it.  I have also gotten the "just like diabetes" line from loved ones.  This cancer is so different than a tumor cancer!  I think the hard part for some people is that there were never any signs of the leukemia.  I was fine, and then during a routine blood test.........BAM.  So no one got to visit me in the hospital, therefore, not really sick. 

And the thing is, it is the side effects of the drugs that are causing all this.  Not the disease.

Lately, the cognitive disruption is beginning to be the worst part.  I thought I might just be "faking" it (strange disturbing childhood with undiagnosed parent--don't ask!), but just had a cognitive test done, and lo and behold, the neuropsychaitrist said there was rehab that could help.  For some reason that is wigging me out.  I actually have some brain functions missing.  Yikes.  As someone that went back to school as an adult and then got just about as much education as is humanly possible (2 law degrees), this is a major problem.

The point of telling you all that, was that this stuff is REAL.  You do REALLY feel like crap for a reason.  You do REALLY have trouble remembering things.  You do REALLY have "brain fog". 

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago with the best darn slogan, we need to all wear t-shirts with this:  "If you knew how hard it is for me to do the things I like to do, imagine how hard it is to do the things I don't want to do."  Because I have no retention anymore, I printed it out so I wouldn't forget, but can't remember who to attribute it to.

Stay strong.

Caroline

[SunNsand]

Next time someone says you have, "no tumor to cut out", tell them that's true, your cancer is circulating throughout your body everyday.

When I was first diagnosed I made the comment to a close co-worker how strange it felt to have to take a pill or I could die. Her comment was that she could die too if she didn't take her thyroid medicine. I didn't know what to say and never brought it up again.

SunNsand

[janner25]

Oh man Christopher - can I relate!!!!

I will be 37 next month, mom of 2 young boys, wife and very close with my inlaws before my diagnosis in October '10.  I am on tasigna...and at the beginning had a fairly rough time with side effects.  Now that I'm almost 6 months into it...most of the side effects have gone away - except for the exhaustion - some days are better than others - but still fatigue is ever present.

One day, I was talking to my mother in law and she said that I was lucky that I wasn't on chemo - and my legs weren't swelling like someone she knew that was 79!  I was like 'WHAT????????".  I was so upset...just because I wasn't at the hospital getting IV chemo - doesn't mean that I'm not taking chemo - and I'll be taking it my whole life AND I'M 37!  I may not have swollen legs....but I don't have the energy to do what I want, when I want - or even just hang out actively with my boys everyday.  I cried my eyes out!  In fact, just 3 weeks ago - I had a complete meltdown - in front of them - and said I can't do it all (my husband is on 2nd shift working from 3-11:30 p.m.), I don't have the energy to do what I want, and to know that my whole life I'm going to have to watch what I do everyday so I'm not down for the count days later is not fair - and is an adjustment.  To know that I'll be LIVING with cancer my whole life....its alot to absorb!  My sister-in-law went as far as saying she thought I was depressed and needed zoloft!!!!  I said - I'm not depressed!  I'm adjusting to the 'new' normal and the physical limitations of the new normal!!!!

My husband tries to understand...and I can't complain because he's been so supportive - to the point he's trying to find a 1st shift job!  But no one else understands. Everyone thinks because my counts are normal that I'm 'healthy'.  At the end of the day (and the beginning of the day), I still have to take my tasigna - to make sure I stay 'healthy'...it doesn't help me with my fatigue, or playing with my boys...that is something I still need to adjust to - and sadly - so do they!

So keep your head up - and feel free to vent to the board!  This is where we DO understand!

Janice

[HeatherZ]

I am so right there with you all.  In the beginning I used to say that I should shave my head and wear a hat so people actually grasp that I am sick!  I am only 38 and get the whole, "this is what happens as you get older" speech at least twice a month.  I've heard the comparison to diabetes.  My aunt has Crohn's and told me I was lucky because since I have cancer I can get SSD with no questions asked while she can't.  I didn't even go into it with her because I knew it wasn't worth it - not to mention I am still working full time.  I agree that even though my Husband isn't the one that is sick it is still hard for him to deal with.  As I struggle to get used to my new normal he is struggling to get used to "our" new normal.  It has been tough for the kids too because I can't do everything I used to.  They know I have cancer and don't hesitate to tell their friends that "my mom has cancer and she does the best she can."  I feel bad that they have to say that and understand it but I know it has given them a better sense of compassion for others.  Hang in there Christopher and feel free to stop by and vent anytime you need to.

Heather

dx3/2010 G400 since

[CDW]

Christopher, I'm probably not going to add more than other people have said but I'm shocked and disappointed by the attitudes of your associates. The idea that this isn't a real cancer baffles me - so what exactly is a real cancer? Do I need to lose my hair through radiotherapy? Do I need to be going to hospital every week to receive said radiotherapy? Should I undergo surgery just to demonstrate that the incurable blood cancer I live with is not a second rate cancer? Although the outward impacts of this disease may lead the uneducated (I use that to mean uneducated about our disease) to think everything is normal, they have no idea. I am quite fortunate in my side effects being relatively mild, but the psychological effects plague me daily. Having to live with the thought the drugs might stop working and what the future might then hold, watching what I eat and drink, having to plan everything around the medication and hospital tests. Something as stupid as watching House Hunters International, considering the daydream prospects of giving up everything, moving to Nicaragua and then the bubble bursting because you get brought back to earth and remember CML is now a part of your life. We are one face of Leukemia and cancer and there are many faces. Just because mine is a healthy looking face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell inside. I wish you well and hope your friends develop a little more empathy over time. Chris

[lala]

WOW!  Don't you love all these people in our lives who have no idea what we are going through?????  I am the one that had Christmas dinner here for my relatives after being told IT WAS MY TURN!!!!!! I have had more than my share when I was healthy, AND NOW JUST CUZ THEY HAD IT THE LAST 2 YEARS, IT IS MY TURN!!!!!!!!!!  One sister-in-law doesn't even work AND IS HEALTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMGOSH!  That is when I wrote that saying:  IF YOU KNEW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO......IMAGINE HOW HARD IT IS TO DO THE THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO!!!!  and guess what????  no more parties here---unless I want to have them!!  Call me stupid once----but not twice!!!  My husband told me I need to let people know how I feel instead of letting it bother me so much......omgosh....what part of leukemia don't they get and what part of no longer being able to work full time do they not get!!!!  My other sister-in-law actually told me she wished she only had to work part time!!!  I said---really---I wish I didn't have cancer....ARE YOU KIDDING?????  My best friend often says I need to wear a sign around my neck to remind people...........so, Christopher, we do know how you feel!  Listen to your body and rest when you need to-----everyone involved has to find a new normal.   Isn't this a great site for all of us-----it sure feels good to know everyone understands.  Keep venting here!!!!!!  :-)

~Lala

[lala]

Dear Lucky,

I love your posts!  I think I may copy this one and show it to all these people -- no kidding!  KEEP POSTING!

~lala

[sferrazza]

Dear Christopher,

I am so sorry to hear your pain.  People suck! 

Love and Peace

Susan

[GerryL]

I occasionally offer to swap when they do a comparison to what is happening to them - they have a quick think then decide maybe it isn't all that great to have CML.

[Berkalvee]

I apologize for this but I may offend someone here with my language.

Seriously, F*ck that guy for saying that. Was is not real CML that killed my 26 year old brother 15 years ago or was that imaginary cancer that did it? He didn't have any tumors to "cut out" but he still  freaking died because of it.  And then I get the same damn thing 11 years later?!   God I want to punch that guy in the face right now!  Last time I checked, cancer is the uncontrolled proliferation of cells within the body, regardless of whether it is in a tumor or blood or wherever.  The freaking nerve of that guy.  I haven't been this pissed off in a long time but this is one for the ages.  How the hell would he feel to know that if he had my "not real cancer" he wouldn't be able to get life insurance or normal health insurance or have to worry about how whether his income might not be enough to cover his insurance deductible for his medication (that keeps him alive) but too much for patient assistance like I have to worry about. And those are just some of the non-health issues I get to deal with!  Arrgh!!! I can only imagine that based upon the way this guy thinks, telling him "how does it feel to get your ass kicked by a cancer patient" would be perfectly humiliating for him.  He is just lucky that it wasn't me that he said that to as though I may not have the energy I used to have, I would muster up plenty to put an ass-whipping on that guy.  Yeah, I am angry about this and I am sorry if people think that I should lighten up about it (maybe I should) but what we have and what we have to deal with is pretty unconceivable to most people so for this guy to say something ignorant like that just makes me feel that much more frustrated. I could continue to rant but I think I have calmed down now (this has taken me over an hour to write from start to finish, lol) and I just want to say that over the years I have learned to tell people like this a-hole the right kind of information that will usually put him in his place.  If he is an ignorant idiot, then he just needs more "graphic" information.  Remind him about how much fun getting a BMB is (slightly over-exaggerating the size of the needle of course!) or tell him about how having uncontrollable bowels and the accompanying hemorrhoids is super-awesome or how although most other cancer patients in remission only have to see a dr. on a yearly or six-month basis, we still have to see them all the time even in complete remission and get blood tests even more often.  Still sounds like we have "not real cancer" huh? Ok, I'm done. Goodnight everyone!       Berkley

[jrsboo]

Lala, it was Lala with the fabulous quote!!!  Ok, citation's complete.  Whew!  Feel much better now.

Well, and not only is it the disease and side effects, they have NO IDEA what it is like to battle the doctors, the insurance company and the prescription company.  How would they like to fear losing insurance and having to come up with $8000 a month, just for the medication, not even including the onc visits and blood tests. 

And a Battle it is!  Last night when we got home from the onc visit, wherein she told me she was surprised I was still so fatigued, and was I sure I wasn't um, er, perhaps depressed?  Luckily, my husband was sitting next to me and assured her it was not depression, I was too floored to really respond.  (mind you I had gone to her recommended psychiatrist, then her recommended psychologist, and had just had the cognitive testing she recommended--Each of them telling me I wasn't depressed, that my reactions were normal for the situation, and that there WAS some cognitive rehab they could offer for the missing abilities)  Then she recommended physical therapy, again, tears in my eyes, but this time sighed deeply and said "ok, if you think it will help."  And she happily wrote out the referral, talking about how getting some exercise will be beneficial.  But I get exercise, I tried to tell her.  I walk the dog almost a mile a day in the morning, then putter around all day long doing things.  Yes, there is significant couch time, but as soon as I get a breather in, I get back up. 

And then she said if that didn't work, I might want to try Ritalin.  Yup.  Ritalin.  My mouth fell open and I said, really I was lucky enough to have the luxury of being able to slow my life down, husband was picking up financial slack, and I would prefer not to be on Ritalin.  Not an extra drug thank you very much.

And no, she is not just a regular onc, she is a CML expert, doing all kinds of research at Fred Hutch.  Her latest trial is for some add-ons to gleevec trying to isolate and destroy the T-cell that causes all this. 

So back to my story: we get home, and Accredo has not delivered the package of Sprycel like I was told they would 2 weeks ago.  I am now down to just a few pills.  I call them, and although it is after hours, they have someone who answers the phone, looks up my information, and tells me it was never ordered. 

I fell apart.

How can it be this hard.  All the time.  And this is a specialty pharmacy, they KNOW what these drugs are for. 

The nice woman on the phone kept apologizing and said she has reordered it.  I thanked her, hung up and fell on the floor crying and hugging the dog.  Husband came over, crawled over next to us and held me. (he rocks!)

But I called this morning to check up on her.  Turns out she was smoking crack.  It was ordered and supposedly going to be delivered today, not yesterday.  They had the tracking number and everything.  Could see it on the truck, should be here in 45 minutes.

So all of that last night was for nothing!  I told the new person on the phone what had happened and then wished bad things to happen to the first person.  I immediately quantified what bad was (I don't need no more bad karma! --bad grammar on purpose): she should not be able to find her car keys for two hours. 

Person on phone laughed. 

Sigh.

Did I mention I have bronchitis, was treated like a leper at the cancer center, and just about passed out when I was told to take a deep breath and started hacking up a lung.  (I don't mind the leper part, I would never want to make anyone else sick, especially a compromised immune system person).

So, to all those who think this is a walk in the park...............I blow huge raspberries at you, and hope you never have to find out for yourselves how hard this is.

Caroline

[Tedsey]

Dear Christopher,

And I thought I had encountered the most insensitive thing a person could say, (however, the one about how a mother caused her child's cancer by feeding him/her McDonald's was a doosey).  From what you say, it does not appear that there is anything wrong with you.  It looks like you are spending time with a crowd that feels everything is about them.   It is curious how a cancer diagnosis can make the shortcomings of our family, friends and loved ones crystal clear.   And sometimes support and kindness comes from people you never expected.  Sorry if that sounds cliche, but that is probably why it is a cliche.  It's true.

.

I hope you find a way to work things out with your partner.  I hope he will ultimately have the capacity to seriously entertain what you are going through. You deserve this. You deserve to be around those who respect you, your life, your time, your opinion, and your feelings.  I think what you are getting is not good enough.  As the saying goes, tragedy puts an extreme test on relationships.  If anyone should, the ones you choose to love should rise to the occasion, (we cannot do much about family, we are stuck with them, but we have choices with our friends and partners).

Nothing like a cancer diagnosis to set us apart from most people. There will not be many capable of understanding (but they are out there).  To me, it is all about evolution.  Tragedy can cause an evolutionary growth spurt in some humans (or show how amoeba-like they still are, but most of us are somewhere in-between).  It appears to me that growing emotionally, and the development of empathy, is the only way to continue evolving as a species.  Not sure how much we can change physically anymore.  But I feel those with a greater capacity for empathy and kindness are the most evolved of humans.  And they are also the most humane.  I feel it is telltale through our words and actions, the current state of our humanity and maturity as human beings.  It can be very challenging for the underdeveloped to be present when someone in their life really needs them.  But for others, it is easy.  Some have grown as much as they ever possibly can.  Of course, anyone can improve if they see it benefits them.  But I don't have time to wait around.  For those of us who want more quality, it is time to move on with a more "enlightened" crowd.

So, in a nutshell, life is short.  Mine might even be shorter.  So, I decided I am going to be more selective with the people I choose to spend my time with.  And I feel less obligated to spend time with those who can never seem to entertain an inkling of anything I am going through (like some family--totally uneducable).  It feels bad and depresses me.  It is a waste of whatever life I still have.  I am all for trying to live a meaningful and happy life with whatever I got left.  Deciding who you want to keep and who you want to let go in your life can be very difficult.  But cancer, which has forced a lot of reflection, has made it a bit easier.

Take care,

Teds

P.S. I don't feel I am the most "evolved" or mature person out there. I still have growing to do.  However, I feel it is a worthy life goal.