It's kind of like clock work, I'm about 2 weeks out from my next appt (FISH/PCR test) and I can already tell that without really thinking about it, it is already starting to effect me. I guess it is good that I realize it, but it is frustrating. I started to notice it the other day when I randomly started having thoughts about what it would be like for my kids to grow up without me. I stopped myself part way into the thought and tried to backup to figure out what brought it on. Why was I suddenly going "there". I recognize what it is but I have noticed it progresses a little each day with more and more negative thoughts. I catch it pretty quick now and try to distract myself, but each time they are a little more intrusive. This morning I found myself thinking about making a video that people could watch at my funeral, kind of a "message from beyond". What the hell is that all about? When did I become such a lunatic? Who thinks about things like that? I guess people with cancer do, at least some do, sometimes.
I'm trying to keep a good sense of humor about it and try to laugh at myself when I catch myself doing it, telling myself it's just in my head and to let it go and try to think about something else. It doesn't help though when there are odd physical things going on. I am trying to figure out if I have something to be concerned about, if it is a psychosomatic symptom, or if I just did something to myself unrelated to CML. It started yesterday with some pain in my lower left abdomen. Right away I started thinking spleen. It doesn't really make sense and when I feel it, I don't really feel anything that feels swollen, but I just feel like there is something inside that doesn't feel/fit right. I may have aggravated it trying to do some abdominal exercises the other day, I clearly have a pulled muscle, but that is higher up and I know what that feels like, this feels like it is coming from inside.
It doesn't make much sense because there is no good reason why I should have an enlarged spleen. I have been doing well on Gleevec 400mg for about 8 months now and there should be no reason to suspect anything has changed. I think I got a little weirded out last week when I went to the doctor for dizziness, he said it was vertigo, but at my onc's request they ran a baseline CBC. My oncs office called me to tell me the CBC looked good, in fact it was almost too good. All counts were normal and my WBC was up in the 5's and my platelets were just under 200. Certainly normal numbers but higher than they have been since I started treatment and with so many people always talking about low counts being the new normal, it started to make me wonder, is this the first sign of things starting to go up, am I losing my response? I'm still bothered that my last PCR went from .25 to .375, although my FISH went down to almost zero and the two PCR numbers were from different tests (BM vs PB). Still As my test date approaches and I have this pain in my abdomen, my mind is wandering all over the place. So frustrating. I wish the pain would let up so I could just get back to dealing with imaginary stuff in my head; that's usually sufficient to drive me crazy. The added pressure of the belly pain is just making it that much worse.