9 replies to this topic

[Tima]

Hi there,

I'm new to this place. We don't have any CML support groups in my city, that's why I'm here.

 

I was diagnosed with CML 4 years ago. I was only 21 years old back then.

 

I'm currently taking Geelvec with minor side effects.

Anyhow, I have dated 3 guys since then, two of them were understanding regarding CML.

I'm currently dating a guy (4 months now), and he has proposed to me, and I said yes as I can see a

 

future with him. The problem is I haven't told him yet about the CML.

When I first got t know him, I told him that I was diagnosed with "something" 4 years ago.

He asked what was it, and I said it was regarding White Blood Cells, they were high so I'm taking pills

to regulate the WBC count, and that was it. I never brought it up and he never asked me about it again.

 

I feel so pressured to tell him what my condition really is.. as I don't know what his reaction will be.

 

Plus, he is very close to his family, but they are very judgmental and I don't want them

to know anything about my situation.

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

 

 

[kat73]

Instinct has so far served you well.  By his proposal, he has told you he is serious about wanting to spend his life with you.  It also bodes well that he accepted your partial answer about the problem.  It could be a sign that he trusts you and respects your privacy or your timetable for telling more.  By your acceptance of his proposal, you have told him that you, too, are serious and want to be with him for life.  These are all good signs for a happy ending.  So far, so good.  You have not picked a date or started planning a wedding.  This, to me, is the Bright Line that you must not cross until you - yes, you must - tell him the whole story.  You know you must do this.  Think of it as a big piece of intelligence . . . for YOU.  He could panic and bolt.  Offer rescinded.  Sad, but that would be intel that you needed to know now, not later.  He could be scared at first, but curious and eager to find out more in order to share your life - your WHOLE life.  Fortunately, you are not new to CML and you know how to educate him.  If he's the Man of Your Dreams, he's going to want to get his arms around the entire problem, maybe even as far as counseling - his own and/or couples.  I hope, also, he reacts to the marriage idea by calling a timeout on proceeding any further.  YET.  You should, too.  To my mind, there is a big difference, and yet no contradiction, to keeping the promise to marry, but temporarily halting the wedding juggernaut.  Have the CML talk ASAP so that he does not feel sandbagged.  Let him ask ALL his questions.  Prepare to have several sessions, as he absorbs the info and thinks of more questions.  Try to avoid tying anything to a future wedding; as in, do NOT ask him, "So, do you still want to marry me?"  You will get a hasty or false or pressured answer.  Don't give in to this very human desire to know now.  His actions will unfold the answer to you over time.

 

Now, as to his family.  I get it, believe me.  I was diagnosed in 2009 and I continue to have a hodge-podge of relatives and friends and acquaintances, etc who do and do not know.  Everyone has his reasons and no one can tell you what is "right" on this question.  It is different for each of us.  You have probably experienced the nice surprise of relief at telling someone you weren't planning to, and I'll bet you've encountered the opposite, too.  So, as to his family, I would put them on hold.  You have NO obligation to tell them at this point.  If and when a wedding date is being discussed, then you would have to revisit the question.  You will absolutely have to ask for his strict compliance on this.  It is YOUR information to share, not his.  He's allowed to bring it up for discussion periodically, he's allowed to make his persuasive arguments, but it is YOUR final decision.  My husband blew this with a couple of people at work, and I certainly set him straight on how angry and unhappy it made me that he didn't ask me first.  We've known each other since high school, btw, and happily married for 43 years, plus he had good reasons for why he did what he did.  So, I forgave him.  But, point is, if you feel you need to protect yourself from his family's reaction, you have every right to demand zero tolerance against telling them.  You may change your mind in the future; never lose sight of that very real possibility.  I don't know if you've had any psychotherapy, but one of the things you learn there is that we actually do not KNOW what people are going to think about us or our actions.  Life is full of surprises, the good and the bad.

 

Anyway, I hope this helps you think.  Because he has offered you himself for a lifetime, and because you have accepted that, you HAVE to tell him, immediately.  Then, just stay open - think open, talk open - keep options open for how the discussion and feelings and decisions go from there.  Oh, and - WOW - you'd better keep us posted!

[hannibellemo]

Tima,

 

Congratulations! 

 

After the initial reveal you will need to have a discussion about children with your fiance. Not that you can never have any, but that the process may be more problematic than usual. If you haven't thought about that I would make sure that you are ready to answer any questions he may have and that may involve a discussion with you and your doc. Maybe even with the three of you. That is one thing that I feel would be very unfair not to be open and above board about.

 

Good luck! There is no reason you two shouldn't have a long, happy life together!

[Trey]

I would ask him to read this:

 

http://community.lls...ed-cml-patient/

[jjg]

My then boyfriend, now husband, asked me to marry him 1 month after diagnosis. Five years later we had a child together. The 3 hardest bits for us as a couple were adjusting to the meds, waiting to see if I would respond to the meds and the pregnancy. You've already done 2 of those. I don't know if the other is on the radar but it is doable.

I would make sure that he understands that these days with a good response to treatment our life expectancy is very close to normal.

[edenation]

I will be proposing to my girlfriend soon and she is alright with me being a CML patient (cytogenetic remission)

[JohnFromChicago]

It took me a little while to dig up this post but I remembered reading it a while back and thinking to myself who would ever reject someone they care about for having cancer you should have nothing to worry about it. I recently dealt with a situation that made me feel the need to respond to this. I had a girlfriend of about a two years we broke up about four months ago but I know it was for the better it just was not meant to be. She was very supportive of me and helped me with dealing with my CML but we had unrelated differences that would not have worked out. I recently started dating someone new a month and a half ago who I really liked and had really good feelings that she could maybe be the one. (I'm almost 30 so I should probably be figuring this out soon) Anyways after a month I told her about my CML. I didn't want her finding out some other way (seeing my medicine or a friend mentioning it just seemed like the wrong way for someone to find out especially since we were really serious) . She was initially very supportive as I imagined she would be (told me she would come to my appointment with me ect) pretty much what I expected. I was not at all worried about telling her just figured I shouldn't hide something from her. Then now about three weeks later she told me she can't handle dealing with the fact that I have cancer she said it's too much to handle and she broke up with me. I can't even explain how awful the feeling was almost as bad as being first diagnosed. Now I feel scared to tell anyone every again but never in a million years thought someone would reject someone they care so much about for having cancer. She knows all the details all the statistics I told her how unlikely it would be that I would die, she knew it was not hereditary. I don't get it but I guess there isn't anything I can do about it either. I'm sure your situation worked out much better but just felt like venting a little.

[gerry]

Feel free to vent. Not everyone can cope with being with someone who has an illness, but that is their issue not yours. I think you should always be up front about the CML. Figure it will sort the wheat from the chaff early on for you.

[thatguy]

It took me a little while to dig up this post but I remembered reading it a while back and thinking to myself who would ever reject someone they care about for having cancer you should have nothing to worry about it. I recently dealt with a situation that made me feel the need to respond to this. I had a girlfriend of about a two years we broke up about four months ago but I know it was for the better it just was not meant to be. She was very supportive of me and helped me with dealing with my CML but we had unrelated differences that would not have worked out. I recently started dating someone new a month and a half ago who I really liked and had really good feelings that she could maybe be the one. (I'm almost 30 so I should probably be figuring this out soon) Anyways after a month I told her about my CML. I didn't want her finding out some other way (seeing my medicine or a friend mentioning it just seemed like the wrong way for someone to find out especially since we were really serious) . She was initially very supportive as I imagined she would be (told me she would come to my appointment with me ect) pretty much what I expected. I was not at all worried about telling her just figured I shouldn't hide something from her. Then now about three weeks later she told me she can't handle dealing with the fact that I have cancer she said it's too much to handle and she broke up with me. I can't even explain how awful the feeling was almost as bad as being first diagnosed. Now I feel scared to tell anyone every again but never in a million years thought someone would reject someone they care so much about for having cancer. She knows all the details all the statistics I told her how unlikely it would be that I would die, she knew it was not hereditary. I don't get it but I guess there isn't anything I can do about it either. I'm sure your situation worked out much better but just felt like venting a little.

Man, that's garbage. I feel bad that you had to experience that. I guess some people really are naive enough to think that cml is too complicating to have a serious relationship. The serious relationship and life in general is what's complicating! Lol

But like Gerry alluded to, maybe consider it a screening tool to save yourself wasted time and heartache from less-than-desirables..

There should also maybe Personals thread on here, or "CMLONLY.COM" Lol

[CallMeLucky]

While difficult now, this will wind up being a blessing in the long run.  You don't want to be married to someone who can't handle or support your situation in life (regardless of what it is).  She will learn in her own time that these are the things life is made of and you can't avoid them.  Would she have broke up with you if you had diabetes or hypertension that was controlled with medication?  Would she have left you if you got diagnosed after you were married?  Perhaps she would have, but that does say more about her than you.  Sorry you were hurt by this, don't give up hope of finding someone and don't let a bad experience compromise who you are, keep it real and honest and eventually it will work out.