11 replies to this topic

[Risen]

I'm back again, not so great this time. Headed back down hill with my depression. Was working for awhile feeling better mentally, but my body felt awful, working in the summertime in cargo containers, in 90 degree heat, running in and out from airconditioning to that all day. Everything came to a head, Ended up being let go from leaving early and rarely feeling physically well enough to get out of bed and go. It was about 10 days in a four month period. It was a temporary position, and I technically wasn't fired. Tried talking to management about my situation, but it was too late I guess, one of the managers literally told me to look into getting on welfare.

 

All the while I'm slowly slipping back down into my depression, and I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like nobody around me really understands my situation or takes me seriously because I'm not in a hospital bed clinging to life. My mom works alot, and I'm here by myself with my thoughts, and it feels overwhelming at times. I rarely leave my room anymore, and I just generally feel awful mentally, some times I think I'm imagining some of my symptoms because I think about everything so much.

 

Does anybody have advice? I'm honestly at my wits' end. This is more than anything anyone my age should have to deal with, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

[alexamay09]

I feel so sorry for your situation.  CML treatment left me feeling weak and tired for a long time.  After 3 years I am getting closer to a more 'normal' energy level.  It can take a while but hopefully you will gradually pick up.  Speak to your oncologist and tell him/her you need help.  Perhaps you will have to find a 'new normal' - one that you can accept that won't spiral you into further depression.

 

I am not surprised you struggled with that level of physical activity. It sounds hard going even for someone in the best of health.  My advice is to hang in there and use the support of your friends/loved ones. Perhaps look into doing something that you will enjoy and that is less taxing - and ask for more help for your depression, because that can also have an effect on our physical wellbeing.

 

It is unfair and a lot for you to cope with, but you've come this far.  Keep the faith and things will get better.  .  Psychologists find that the key to happiness is often in service to others, so maybe even volunteer to do something for others/animals etc.?

 

I am thinking of you and wish you well.

 

Alex

[kavis]

Hey Risen, where do you live?  I grew up in Scottdale...

 

Listen, I'm no psychologist.  But having to take this on when you're 18 years old is pretty tough, and mainly because of all the other crap you're going through already when you're 18!  You may not believe this now but everyone at that age struggles with knowing who they are and where they fit in the world. Just realize that ups and downs are natural for any 18 year old, but especially when you have to fight this shit on the side.

 

I also know that it's completely normal for you to feel like this whole thing is pretty unfair.  I have felt it too at certain times.  

 

Things you can do to feel better?  Focus only on the things you can control...

 

- work out and eat well - you said it yourself, you'll gain so much confidence as you get fit, lose weight, and it will only help with the CML.

 

- find people that will support you.  I think you'll be surprised.  Some people who won't be supportive or hold it against you, it's ok.  One of the coolest parts of being an adult is you don't have to deal with those people anymore, it's your choice who you see and who you hang out with.  There are a lot of assholes in this world, and that's perfectly ok, you don't have to force yourself to hang out with them.

 

- I agree with the previous post - go and be of service.  The bottom line is none of us are guaranteed anything.  There is always someone better of, or worse of, but what separates us as humans is the desire to help each other in a pinch.  Go volunteer somewhere, you'll find great people and you'll find it makes you feel great about yourself too.

 

- your job.  Sounds like a bad situation to me.  If it doesn't work out?  There are plenty of jobs out there, and you'll find another one.

 

- talk to a counselor/therapist.  Again, no shame there, you need to dump this stuff out of your head, so just do it.

 

- use this message board.  People here have been there and it's great to share with people in your situation.

 

Remember, you can't control that you got cancer, which means it's really pointless to focus on that.  Focus only on the stuff you can control and make them better.

 

How about this?  Of all the cancers, you, me, and everyone on here got one that can be basically controlled forever with a pill!!  You know how awesome that is?  Go talk to a few people who have a different form of cancer, and no pills, and you'll instantly feel pretty good about your situation.

 

Hang in there and reach out if you need help.

[Trey]

One key is don't just sit there -- do something.  Focus on an objective with small interim goals.  Start with weight loss, as you suggested.  Meet short term goals.  Walk instead of sitting around.  Do projects to help your Mom.  Learn a new skill.  Be an apprentice for a tradesman like a welder or plumber, but show up.  Do something positive and you will feel more positive.  You should also seek some professional help.  You are in a transition time of life and it will not always be like this.  There is more out there in the future.

[kat73]

Risen - I forget whether you are on Gleevec.  There is a small, but noted, cohort that experiences depression on Gleevec, and it happened to me.  It's hard to disentangle the side effect from the many general reasons for being depressed (!).  Everything that has been suggested to you above is all good, but you sound too depressed to me to be able to take those steps (kinda the very nature of depression.)  Please get a name of a therapist from your onc or your pcp ASAP and make an appointment and go.  That's all you have to do this week.  Report back.

[AllTheseYears]

Risen:  As a longterm CML survivor, I can tell you that our disease is a head game. All that you wrote about I, too, have experienced and I'm sure most of us on the site have in individualized degrees. You're not imagining anything. I've found the physical and mental burdens of CML, along with its treatments, mean that depression lurks just outside the door.  Don't let it in. Life can be so much better.

 

Please consider finding a reputable therapist, ideally one who specializes in working with young people who have cancer.  Being so young at diagnosis puts you in a special category of survivors.  Please, you and your Mom need to immediately seek professional support for you from someone who truly "gets it."  

[kat73]

Risen - How are you now at the end of this day?  Did you go out of your room?   

 

I know that feeling of being trapped.  As time goes on, you begin to see more clearly how unique the trap that CML is.  We are OK, but we're not OK.  There will come a day in the future when you will actually feel kind of lucky, but that time is pretty far off.  I'm not surprised that you're feeling angry about having to face this trouble at your age - it takes awhile for the news to sink in, and you're just about at that point in time when the real, true realization of what has happened to you surfaces.  I'm sorry nobody around you understands - that sucks.  Although I would try to talk to your mother a little more.  If she avoids it, remember it could be because she's so darned scared for you and she may even feel guilty because she thinks she should be able to fix this.  Sometimes people act the exact opposite from the way they feel or the way they want to. 

 

Some ruminating and pondering (and reading on the internet) all alone is good.  Operative word, "some."  But to always be alone with your thoughts is not good, and you're right, your mind is so powerful it can actually make symptoms appear.  This is yet another reason why you absolutely must get some professional counseling help.  An LCSW is fine (Licensed Clinical Social Worker).  If you need antidepressives, he/she can get you to the right person.  But I was able to boot the depression in the snout without any drugs, so if you're worried about that, there's one person's  experience.  Here's the thing about therapy, though - it helps enormously to be able to say anything you need to say to an objective third party - someone who is NOT your relative or friend or mentor.  And a therapist is trained to know HOW to listen to you and guide you to questions, answers and perspectives that you come to on your own. (Which is the only way they will stick with you and do you any good.)  Tomorrow, do this.  Also, go for a walk.  Just go outside and turn either left or right and keep going for 30 minutes.

[Gail's]

Many good ideas above. I have experienced major depression before. My first goal was opening my door and breathing 10 deep breaths of outside air. Tried to also notice one nice thing outside like a tree or cloud or grass. Baby steps.

A good place to start is a cancer support group. A free one. I worry about the cost of therapy for you. I can't begin to tell you what a relief it is to sit in a roomful of people who get it. I cried for the first couple of months of going. Embarrassed but very encouraged that everyone had been there, done that and had sympathy. Google cancer support group in your city, call hospitals, ask your doc. Although my doc didn't know there was a cancer support group in her building. Lol. The receptionist told me.

Keep coming back and vent, vent, vent. We're all pulling for you!

[Kali]

Risen,

Your feelings are normal as many of us can relate. I especially feel your pain because I faced a rare cancer when I was a young adult. I made the decision, I will not bow to cancer. It was difficult to deal with something so big at such a young age. But you know what? CML is not all of who you are. There is so much more to you than CML. You can survive and thrive. You can have goals. You can have a good life. The guy that said go on welfare was insensitive. Don't give your power away to him or anyone else who doesn't get it. You received a lot of excellent advice today from others here. I encourage you to pick one piece of positive advice you heard today and take that step. You will thrive, Risen. Remember that!

[rcase13]

Everyone is different and have
different needs. I went through an unexpected divorce at a young age. It almost did me in. After several months of barely being able to breath I stepped out one day and did something for myself. I ended up meeting other people with similar interests. For me it was scuba diving that got me out. I met a cute girl and life started again. Think of something you like to do and take a class. Get out of the house.

Another thing that kept me sane was caring for my pets. Something about being needed by our furry friends helped a lot.

[RayT]

I was Dx'd with Hodgkins Disease when I was 22, so I know what it's like dealing with cancer as a young adult. 2 words: "It sucks!" 

 

Full-time work can be a killer, both mentally and physically, when you've got CML and are taking Gleevec.  I ended up having to retire from full-time work a year after being Dx'd (Jan 2014) and that was after burning through about 600 hours of accumulated sick and vacation time in 13 months.  I now try to avoid working more than 4-5 hours in a single day so I've got time to get extra sleep/nap when i'm having a bad day.  The worst part is never knowing if/when the fatigue will hit.

 

The following is something I wrote in another topic a few days ago:

When my illnesses (Hodgkins Disease, MI and CHF due to Hodgkins chemo, CML, anemia, fatigue, etc.) get to me, I remind myself that there's nothing I can't do with God's help.  ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13)  It also helps to think about those who are in much worse shape than me and deal with it with a lot more class than me. When I was feeling sorry for myself last week while losing an entire day to have 1 unit of packed cells transfused, I reminded myself of all the kidney dialysis patients who are stuck in chairs hooked to machines 3 days/week, EVERY week.  I got out of bed this morning and dressed myself and fixed myself breakfast. How many people WISH they could do that? Then there is Nick Vujicic, a man with no arms and no legs. I saw Nick speak at The Kingdom Bound festival in July 2014, 5 months after my CML dx. He changed my whole attitude. Watch a few of his videos on YouTube. (https://www.youtube....h?v=1lrXTvOTncU)

 

I can't help but wonder about the significance your nickname, "Risen."  I recommend that you watch the movie, "Facing The Giants." It's available on DVD and believe might be available for free viewing on the internet.

 

Saying a prayer for you. Hang in there.

[Dom]

Hi Risen. Everyone gave you great advice, but I'd like to repeat what Trey said. Think about your future and find a trade. My neighbor's son was loafing around for two years, then suddenly, at the age of 21, he decided out of the clear blue sky that he wanted to be a court reporter. You should see him now. He's excited about his work, he loves getting involved in the court cases, and he knows his work is important. Through the people he's met, he now wants to become a para-legal. He's a new man, and he's very excited about his future.

I'm sure you can do it too. My brother suffered from depression, and I know how that spiral works. You're depressed, so you stay in your room, and staying in your room makes you more depressed. You have to break the spiral.