Man I am having a tough time, I just can't get my head straight. Heard something tonight that really took some wind out of my sails, not that I was doing well to begin with. My neighbor asked how I was doing and asked if I was in remission. I was surprised because I didn't know she knew about my illness, I figured my wife must have mentioned it. When I told my wife she was upset because she said she never told anyone on our street. She has always wanted to keep it to ourselves and has always been worried our kids would find out. Our next door neighbors are the only ones who know because we are pretty good friends with them and they were there when I was going through diagnosis. So my wife called to ask if they had told anyone. The wife said no but then she took the phone away and asked her husband who was obviously sitting next to her. Anyway, they said they didn't tell anyone but we suspect they might have. Not great but not the end of the world, at least not enough to make me lose sleep. However I was blown away by something the neighbor said when she asked her husband. She didn't say "did you tell anyone about his CML" or "did you tell anyone he has cancer" she said "did you tell anyone about his terminal illness". I was really blown away by that. They know I am in doing well and that my prognosis is really good. I thought it was such a horrible and insensitive way to refer to me. Is that how the people who know about my illness see me? As the guy with the terminal illness and they are just waiting for me to die?
Now I know that people do not know enough about CML and they just hear leukemia and think what they think. Normally it wouldn't bother me that much, but who wants to be thought of that way? With such pity...as someone who is so pathetic? WTF!
I think I would have just blown it off if it was just about the CML, but I just can't get this prostate cancer thing out of my head. I know so far I have only had one abnormal test and the odds are in my favor with something like 60% chance it is not prostate cancer, but I just can't shake this bad feeling like something really bad is coming. It has been so hard the last two and a half years, I can't even remember the person I was before or what it was like to not think about dying everyday. I hate being this pathetic. I hate being afraid. I hate being sick. I hate that people see me as sick. I have busted my ass through every day of having CML to do what I have to do to take care of myself and my family and now I just feel like I am alone in dark cold water with sharks swimming around me, just waiting for one to pull me under.
I don't want to feel this way anymore and the most disheartening thing about all of this is that it doesn't matter what I think. I have CML no matter what I do. I may or may not have prostate cancer no matter what I do. I just have to wait floating in the dark wishing for something to rescue me.