Dear Mark,
I ditto everything that Pam said, she said it so well! When I finish an estate plan for a client I always include a notebook with some of the following information. I really add it to the plan as a help for those that have to implement the estate plan so some of the language is about becoming widowed, but I think it applies to all types of loss. I hope some of it helps:
On Being Alone: A Guide for the Newly Bereaved
Losing a loved one — whether through unexpected or anticipated circumstances — is always traumatic. It is one of life's most profound losses. The transition is a very real, painful, and personal phenomenon. The trauma of trying to adjust to this new identity while being besieged with a multitude of urgent questions and decisions can be overwhelming.
Here are several things to remember when faced with the death of your loved one. While they may seem simple, they are very important points to remember:
- Give yourself permission to mourn.
Men and women both need to give themselves permission to mourn. Postponing a confrontation with your feelings by filling each day with frantic activity will only delay and compound the grief reaction. Denying your grief can be helpful in separating yourself from the pain. But, the agony is still there and it will stay there until you acknowledge it. - Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions.
Your reactions to death may cover a wide and confusing range of emotions (such as shock, numbness, anger, pain, and yearning). It may help to think of grief as clusters of reactions or fluid phases that overlap one another. Grief does not proceed in an orderly fashion any more than life itself does. - With effort, you can overcome your grief.
One of the myths about mourning is that it has an ending point, that if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn't. It requires work. More than time, bereavement takes effort to heal. Mourning is a natural and personal process that only you can pace. It cannot be rushed and it cannot happen without your participation. - When needed, find the strength to take action.
As a newly widowed person, there may be urgent financial and legal decisions you must make following the death of your spouse. You have just suffered an emotionally devastating event and the last thing you want to deal with is money matters. But money does matter, now and for your future, so try to do the best you can. Postpone, however, any decisions that can be put off until you feel better emotionally. - Work to tame your fears.
When the first impact of death wears off, you may feel you are losing control. This is a normal part of the grieving process. Unlike mental illness, the strong feelings suffered during grief gradually and permanently disappear. Because you may experience a feeling of temporary instability, it's important to remember that you have the ability to cope. This is a time when much of your adjustment to widowhood takes place. - In your own time, in your own way, you can say goodbye.
The present, with all its pain and sorrow, is the only reality you have. Memories are very important, but they cannot be used as a shield against the present. At some point in your grieving, you will be ready to try to say goodbye. - Stress can wreak havoc on your health.
The effect of grief on our health is just beginning to be measured. While guarding your health can be among the least of your concerns during the throes of grief, you must work toward maintaining your health as soon as you feel able. This means beginning some form of regular exercise, getting proper nutrition, and reporting physical complaints to your doctor.
Normal Reactions to Loss
Grief differs based on who we are, whom we have lost, and how much our day-to-day life is altered by the death. A normal reaction to loss, grief is unique in its impact, course and meaning to each of us. Experiencing the loss of a partner, a parent or sibling, or a lifelong friend, with whom we share history, often have special meaning to us.
Thinking about reactions to the loss of a loved one, we tend to think only of the emotional reactions. Yet, people also experience physical and behavioral reactions. The intensity of grief changes over time and through personal growth. Some of the most typical emotional, physical, and behavioral reactions include the following:
Immediate Reactions—The first few weeks following death:
- Emotional: Shock, Relief, Release
- Physical: Numbness, Shortness of breath, Heavy chest, Empty feeling
- Behavioral: Denial, Disorientation, Crying, Listlessness
Later Reactions—After the shock wears off, you begin to feel your feelings once again:
- Emotional: Anger, Fear, Guilt, Panic, Loneliness, Depression
- Physical: Chest pains, Lack of energy, Headaches, Fatigue, Vulnerability to illness, Tension
- Behavioral: Over-reactive, Hyper-sensitive, Running, Sleeplessness, Isolation, Need to relive death
Adjustment—A time when you think you are going to "make it":
- Emotional: Taking responsibility, Reconstructing your life
- Physical: Looking forward, Doing things for oneself
- Behavioral: Exploring new interests, Personal growth
Remember everyone's reactions and grief are different. The above lists are guides and should not be considered all-inclusive. If you are in doubt about some of your reactions or those of a loved one, consult your physician or mental health practitioner. If outside help is needed, don't be afraid to ask for it.
Personal Adjustments
For weeks after a death, most caring families and friends do all that they can to comfort us, making life as comfortable as possible. Many times, we are still in shock, accepting this support in a daze. Gradually, those around us return to their normal lives, but we do not. The reality of the situation may lead you to think "I am alone," but you are not. Others who have felt what you are feeling now stand ready to help.
Caroline