6 replies to this topic

[pammartin]

Hi all,

Before I share my latest breakdown, I will admit to reading every post I can find concerning swollen lymph nodes, previous situations with fellow members, and everyone's advice, including the links Trey provided to people over the years.  Yeah, the intelligent side of me says having CML and lymphoma together just usually doesn't happen, I believe one person compared it to walking outside and getting hit with a meteor, but the human side of me is trying very hard not to constantly feel my neck for more swellings and go into that 'what if' mode.

I know right now, so early in the diagnosis, it is hard to be thinking clearly, it is difficult to not relate everything that happens to a horrible disease, and to keep calm when you discover something is the best way to handle it, but........then the human kicks in and I am a mess.

I do have oncologist appointment this Friday, but three swellings on the neck send me into a panic mode so serious sometimes I swear I have trouble breathing.  I will admit to this being a long term fear, I watched my dad die from lymphoma 26 years ago, of course treatment has changed, as well as prognosis.

Again, intelligent thinking is where I need to be, but how in the heck do I get there, much less stay there, when it seems I find another possible concern.  If I would have had swollen lymphs over the years, I would be feeling better, but this is the first time this has happened, of course.

Breathe, all I really have to do is breathe, but sometimes it is pretty hard to do even that.  thanks for reading.

Pam

[lala]

Hi...can you move your appt up to tomorrow?  I sure would!!!!!! Why suffer the worry until Friday?  Call first thing tomorrow morning.......~Lala

[pammartin]

aaawwww Billie, you are right, I am a pain in the ass, I loved your post.  We live in rural area now, new house is on 20 acres, so I will be seeing many of the critters you described  if we ever get the house done and moved.  Yes I did cry at dance photo, when he was 3 I was told he may never walk correctly, his speech would be impaired, and his social abilities would be limited at best.  Today, he is in track, he talks a mile a minute and when the waitress comes over to ask if we need anything, he says, nope, we are fine, although the coffee is cold, the potatoes are uncooked, and there is a hair in my soup.  I just let it go, he is making conversation in a correct manner.  There isn't a time when I see him with that base drum I don't bawl.  He has perfect pitch, something else he 'shouldn't have' according to the experts so long ago.

I am calmer today.  I had a serious meltdown last night, we are struggling with this new house, partial remodelings, done incorrectly, and what is left is a serious mess.  I had great plans of working night and day down there, but I am having trouble getting out of my own way some days.  Just for the record, unless someone wants to spend about three grand, a double wall oven is not really a double wall oven at all, instead it is a very small oven (the 24" model that will fit into the wall cabinet we bought) and the same size broiler under neath, it states you cannot cook a full size turkey in it, yeah like that is going to happen in this house.  Learn something new every day.

I have had several spots removed, possible skin cancer, but each one turned out at nothing.  I used to bath in oil and lay out in the sun, with the Indian in me I could get pretty dark, speed ahead 30 years, we now know it isn't the greatest thing to do.  

I have to face the idea I am going to be in panic mode for a while.  I just don't like it, I have always approached things with a ok, this is what it is, so what can I do about it.  I was told long ago by a fairly wise person happenings like CML, and disease hit everyone with a serious punch in the stomach, but if a person is controlling or strong, it seems to kick them also.  There is hardly one thing I can do to self help, no diet change for the most part, loosing weight, or other means may help my overall health but really doesn't do much for the CML.  I guess I am struggling to gain some kind of control, even though the intelligent side of me knows there is none.  Waiting on meds to work, taking deep breaths, and just relaxing if possible are my tools.  They suck.

I am off to frustrate myself with another painting project, thank you again, I really appreciate your post, and taking the time to write it, I know you have not been feeling the greatest.

On a different note, there is a good possibility you will become a winner tomorrow, if the platelets continue their downward trend, I should be pretty close to the 500,000 mark.  I still don't remember what you win.....

I hope you have a great Sunday (and every day), you deserve it.

Pam

[Trey]

You need to get through the initial month or two of drug therapy and see what remains as issues.  Right now your body is reeling from the initial therapy and the cellular changeover that is occurring.  Too many variables right now to jump to conclusions.

[Happycat]

Pam,

I understand what you mean about  the fear of lymphoma.  My dad died of stomach cancer, and I don't think the stats on that have improved very much over the years.  Anyway, after watching him die, I have my own moments of panic.  When we started switching our twins to milk from breastmilk and soy formula, we started mixing some cow's milk in it, gradually increasing the amounts.  When we got to around 50/50, Em refused to drink it anymore.  She even batted the bottle out of our hands.  She'd cry a lot, pass wind like a tornado and kept throwing up.  Of course, this made me remember my dad, who kept throwing up a lot because the tumor was growing in his stomach and blocking the food from getting out of his esophagus into his stomach.

It finally dawned on me that maybe she was allergic.  This, after about 3 wks of doing the switch, and at least 4-5 days of fighting with her to drink.  (I'm on the ball, alright!  What a dope!)  Anyway, I gave her apple juice as a test, and she guzzled it down like she'd been crossing the Sahara!  So I figured problem solved, and we drove to my mom's for Christmas.  We get there, and she keeps throwing up, even though I'd put her back on soy formula the day before.  Freaked the hell out of me!  All I could think of was dad wretching in the bathroom!  I was so freaked out I dragged her down to the emergency room.  When the nurse asked why we there, I said, "I think my baby has stomach cancer!"  She calmed me down and told me to go home with her, since the waiting room was full of flu germs anyway, and see how it went over the next few hours.  If it was still bad, she'd get us in to someone.

So I went home and googled like mad, discovered that food allergy symptoms, like vomiting, can persist for around 3 days.  Phew!  That made me feel much better!

We all carry around scars from one thing or another.

Traci

[pammartin]

Thanks everyone.  Today was a much better day and although I didn't win my battle with the paint brush, tomorrow is another day.